Does Tide Remove Salsa Stains? Or, How I survived the President’s speech

02/25/09

In my preparation to listen to the President address Congress I surveyed the space around me and removed all sharp objects and any item that could cause damage to my TV.  Then I opened my bottle of xanax, popped a beer, and sat down with my chips and salsa.  I was determined not to let his speech ruin what could otherwise be a pleasant evening.

I once heard a psychologist posit that chronic lateness was based in arrogance.  That even a person who is chronically late will accidentally arrive on time once in a while unless they have issues of narcissism.  I pondered that lesson as news analysts informed me that Obama was late.  The leader of the free world, who literally shuts traffic down when he decides to go somewhere, could not arrive to a joint session of congress, with the entire world watching, on time.  When the gentlemen finally announced the president’s arrival I half expected the lights to dim, heavy bass pounding music to blare, and spot lights to encircle him as he made his way down the red carpet shaking hands and receiving accolades from his loyal minions.  It took him so long to walk down the aisle that I had time to go pee and pop another beer.

As he began his speech, it occurred to me that my wide-screen TV was entirely too wide.  I realized that I was going to have sit there with Pelosi’s botox riddled face and Biden’s veneer toothed grin for an hour.  My eyes fixed on the silver tray and crystal water glasses in front of the pair and I concluded that their overly enthusiastic applause and face splitting grins could only be attributed to vodka.  So, I went to the kitchen and poured myself a shot.

As I began munching on my chips and salsa the President said,  “As soon as I took office, I asked this Congress to send me a recovery plan by President’s Day that would put people back to work and put money in their pockets. Not because I believe in bigger government – I don’t.”  THE HELL YOU DON’T, I screamed.   ” Not because I’m not mindful of the massive debt we’ve inherited – I am.”   YOU DEMOCRATS CREATED THIS MESS!   As I screamed and thrust my fist at him as though he could actually feel my air-punches I dropped a salsa laden chip on my shirt.

I’m not sure if it was the beer, vodka, or xanax but at some point the President’s voice and cadence began to hypnotize me.  I was reminded of Neil Boortz during the campaign who, with an expert, explained why Obama’s speeches are so mesmerizing and why those who are susceptible to hypnotism are enamored by Obama.  Seems Obama had assembled a team of oratory coaches, long before we knew who he was, and received Hollywood style acting lessons in speech giving.  His speeches utilize inflection and pace to have the listener’s mind focus on key words and phrases rather than on the substance, or lack thereof.

Just as I snapped my mind back to the speech I saw Pelosi give one of her famously ugly smirks.  The words of a classic country song came to mind as I considered how much vodka it would take for her to “look pretty at closing time.”

For nearly an hour the President continued in his rhetoric.  At several points he extended a hand to Republicans only to sucker punch them with his next statement.  Once again my mind wandered and I turned my attention to the salsa stain on my shirt.  “I wonder if Tide Stick will get this out.”

The President finally brought his self-indulgent speech to a close.  And as the commentators lauded his oratory skills and praised him for his positive(?) tone I realized there are several things I have to be thankful for:

First, my TV survived unscathed.  Second, I discovered that no amount of alcohol can trick me into thinking Pelosi is pretty.  Third, Tide does in fact get salsa stains out.  Most importantly, I learned that no matter how mad or angry I get at Obama, no matter how much I yell and scream at him, and no matter how dire things may appear; having my kitten jump into my arms and lay there with complete trust and abandon puts my world back in focus.  I know that with my family and our love for one another we will survive this madness called an Obama Administration.

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