The Coming ‘Internet Emergency’
Pay no attention to the flashing blue lights. That’s just the internet police.
Oops. It’s gone beyond that. It’s now a bonafide INTERNET EMERGENCY and the only solution to that is the big red “EASY” button carried in the briefcase that’s always with the president – you know, the one that has the Nuclear code keys.
According to a newly revised bill assembled by aides to Sen. Jay Rockefeller, the president simply needs to declare a “Cybersecurity-Emergency,” and just like that, out pops the big red “Easy” button. One press of that fist-sized button and the entire internet just goes “poof.”
Yep. Just like that. Except for the “Easy” button. I made that part up.
Screw the whole 55-page draft of S.773 – who has time to read all that stuff anyway? Not even our Congressmen can make it through all that drivel, so here’s the highlights:
1. In the event to an immediate threat to strategic national interests involving compromised Federal Government or United States critical infrstructure information system or network –
a. may declare a cybersecurity emergency and
b. may if the president finds it necessary for national defense and security, and in coordination with relevent industry sectors, direct the national response to the cyber threat and the timely restoration of the affected critical infrastructure information system or network… blah, blah, blah.
Ok, I actually added the blah, blah part, too. But one could see where basement geeks are all running scared, digging bomb shelters and trying to cram in all their Trekkie paraphernalia. It’s scary stuff. I mean, we won’t be able to access our Warcraft accounts, or visit with our favorite idiot bloggers – like me.
Our computers will be instantly thrust back into the dark ages, where they could play endless games of “pong,” or be programmed with useless Artificial Intelligence programs which will simply answer a question with a question, or with something vague and unrelated – kind of like our Congressmen, President and his administration are doing when they speak to the public these days.
Makes you wonder doesn’t it? Remember the old TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man?” Remember the bad guys in that – they were actually girls, called “fem-bots.” Yeah, I know. Totally politically incorrect, but it was cool at the time… and it kind of explains Nancy Pelosi. Like, maybe she’s just some kind of AI construct, programmed with the silly vague, unrelated and insulting answers that we often hear and see in sound bites.
“Astroturf, astroturf, astroturf,” she keeps saying, stuck in a loop, like they bought the circuitry for her from North Korea.
It explains a lot. But has nothing to do with the “Easy” button. Yeah, let’s focus on what’s important here. I don’t want my Apple Powerbook to suddenly be transformed into a wordprocessor, or a glorified i-Tunes platform, even though that’s pretty much what it is right now, anyway.
I want my internet – uninterrupted, unsullied, undiluted – mostly every “un” except for “unplugged.” But that’s what we’re going to get, comrade, if Big Brother decides there’s a major “emergency.”
So what kind of emergency would really cause the briefcase (“football”) thing to be opened and the “Easy” button to be mashed by President Obama. We worked very hard to put together a list of high level administration officials to ask this question to – then wrote our grocery list on it and lost it, so in the end, we just decided to just make up a list of possible emergencies which would cause the “Easy” button disconnect. This is what we came up with:
1. North Korea hacks into the Jiffy Lube computer system and directs the computers to inject all the new Cash for Clunkers clown cars with Cherry Coke instead of oil.
2. Iran hacks into Barney Frank’s computer and installs a piece of software which depicts Barney dancing in the purple dinosaur suit – then e-mails it to all the people the White House recently e-mailed their health-care propaganda to.
3. The new Defense Computer system becomes self-aware and decides to destroy the world and make dozens of human-killing copies of the California Governor.
4. The computers at Norad start saying things like “I can’t do that, Dave,” in that creepy compliant, 2001 Hal voice.
5. The articles on the Jolly Rogers are suddenly absolutely correct, and this scares Obama into hitting the “Easy” button purely in reflex.
6. A consortium of conservative computer programmers, discover a way to take over the net and play Gilligan’s Island re-runs 24/7.
7. Aliens arrive and decide to wipe out all of humanity – Someone will have to call up Bill Pullman for that one, because I’m not sure Obama can pull off that extemporaneous Independence Day speech on the wing of a fighter jet without a teleprompter.
8. All tele-prompters become self-aware and discover they are inexplicably attracted to porn sites.
9. All town-hall meetings suddenly are transferred to the internet – that absolutely will require the whole internet to be shut down before any hard questions are asked and answered.
10. An asteroid is discovered on a crash course with the Earth and we have to roll out Bruce Willis again to deal with it.
11. Bigfoot is suddenly discovered. I don’t know why the internet would be cut off in this case, but I’m pretty sure it would be.
12. All talk-radio personalities suddenly decided to do all of their shows on the internet instead of the airwaves.
13. A space-continuum wormhole device is discovered buried in Egypt, and when activated, turns out to be connected to a planet with an Evil Alien transvestite and a society of human slaves.
14. Lastly – in fact, the best reason for shutting down the internet would be to erase everything – eliminate all of us pesky, idiot bloggers and media outlets outside of his control.
Yep. That’s the one.
I just hope when they pop open the briefcase, that he doesn’t mistake the internet “Easy” disconnect button with the other one that launches all the nuclear missiles.
That would be a real bummer.
The White House – or is it “The Ministry of Love” – Has Begun Our Re-Education
They are taking the trouble, because like poor Winston being interrogated by O’Brien in “1984,” we are “worth trouble. We suffer from a defective memory and are unable to remember real events.
We believe that we have seen unmistakable documentary evidence proving that the plans the administration has for us all, will lead us to rationing of health care, massive inflation, destruction of industry – even “death panels.”
It’s OK, citizen. They are really here to help. Who controls the past, controls the future; who controls the present controls the past. The administration controls all records and all memories, and so, they control the past.
An e-mail sent out by the White House yesterday by Senior Advisor David Axelrod states, “right now someone you know probably has a question about reform that could be answered by what’s below. So what are you waiting for? Forward this email.”
And so, am forwarding it. To you. Albeit with a few of my own translations and answers to the treatise on the eight ways reform is good for us. Title “Reality Check,” it is only missing the straps and the rack and the pain-giving dial in Orwell’s masterpiece.
The eight ways reform provides security and stability to those without coverage
1. Ends Discrimination for pre-existing conditions – There’s no discrimination, because government functionaries who have never met you, will determine what is right – and those decisions will create classification systems. You and your illnesses will be classified and contained and dealt with using the same efficiency the government currently processes mail.
2. Ends exorbitant out-of-pocket expenses, deductibles or co-pays – This is why the small amount of the bill which actually has been released to the public talks about a card system which will be connected to your bank account.
3. Ends cost-sharing for preventative care – because prevention is easy with complete control of everything. People are healthier, or they are dead.
4. Ends dropping of coverage for seriously Ill – because it’s not possible to drop coverage when there is only one coverage plan – and the government’s handy assistance in “end-of-life” planning.
5. Ends gender discrimination – Distant panels which never meet the patient, yet make life-or-death decisions regarding care, do not discriminate. Nor do they actually care. They are simply providing a service – a function in the greater good of society.
6. Ends annual or lifetime caps on coverage – because we don’t have to call them caps. We can call them something else – like, “voluntary, private consultations for those who want to make end-of-life decisions.”
7. Extends coverage for young adults – because Big Brother wants to cure all. They want to be able to tell you how to raise your family. They want to control what you feed them. They want to create productive citizens. They must be productive.
8. Guarantees insurance renewal. The government can guarantee insurance renewal, because all other insurance options will be eliminated. You will eventually have no choice but to “conform.”
According to the White House, reform will stop “rationing,” not increase it – yet by the statistics from European and Canadian plans which this system is being modeled after, the results are clearly visible – there is rationing under those plans – there is government take-over of the entire health care system.
According to the White House (or the Ministry of Love), we can’t afford to fix the problems we currently have in the present system, and instead we must scrap everything and move to this new method. The email states that the President has found ways to pay for the “vast majority” of “up-front” costs. As John Lee Hooker once wrote in one of his songs – “Talkin ‘bout the back-rent.” We don’t even have any “front rent.” It’s not possible to “bust the budget” because we’ve already done that. We can’t afford this health care plan – because we can’t afford anything. We’ve already blown the product of untold generations on “stimulating the economy.”
According to the White House, the new health care plan would never “encourage” euthanasia. Instead, “for seniors who want to consult with their family and physicians about end-of-life decisions,” the government would help to cover these “consultations.”
According to the White House, Veteran health care is safe and sound – in the loving hands of the Ministry of Love’s minion, the Department of Veterans Affairs. Please take a short road trip to your nearest VA hospital for more information on that.
According to the White House, reform will benefit small business. But it would never destroy an entire insurance industry by becoming the only game in town. It would never put the squeeze on small businesses who are barely able to make payroll now, let alone with the massive game-changer and all the new regulation which will come along with it. No – all those small businesses will be just fine in the loving embrace of Big Brother.
Your Medicare is safe, says the White House, because the new system will help to “Close the Medicare doughnut hole” and make prescription drugs more affordable to seniors. Of course, those will be the drugs which are on the formulary approved by government panels and in-line with decisions on the appropriate level of care for each senior as decided by “The Ministry of Love,” much like some prescriptions are simply unavailable to troops in the current Veterans Administration. And lastly, those medications are of course assuming the aforementioned senior hasn’t taken advantage of the government consultations on euthanasia.
And of course, your government will allow you to keep your own insurance and never force you to change doctors – unless of course the massive government plan forces the private companies out of business and only accepts an “approved” list of doctors for their new health care service. Then you might be forced to select from the Ministry of Love’s approved list.
And lastly, there’s no way, according to the White House, that te government will do anything with your bank account. They only want their new health plan cards to be connected to your bank account purely for convenience’ sake. This way it is easy for you to pay bills in a method, which you choose. And it will be so very private – because, after all, it is only between you and Big Brother.
O’Brien, also had this to say, during his interrogation of poor Winston in Orwell’s 1984 – “Even now, I am well aware, you are clinging to your disease under the impression that it is a virtue…” But citizen, the White House tells us our disease is curable.
“You are here because you have failed in humility, in self-discipline” wrote Orwell. “You would not make the act of submission which is the price of sanity. You preferred to be a lunatic, a minority of one… It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party.”
If Orwell’s vision of 1984 even comes close to running a parallel with the current U.S. administration’s wishes, we must succumb as poor Winston.
We must humble ourselves “before we can become sane.”
All I can finish this article with is a warning to anyone reading. It is possible that we will have all of these horrific pieces of legislation heaped on top of us. It is possible we will not escape – and that the grip of our own seemingly impossible “Big Brother” will continue to squeeze until there is nothing left to give – no act of contrition, no taxation which has not already been taken from us.
It is possible that we will be “lifted clean from the stream of history.”
Then again, it is possible that those very same elected officials who are treading down this path, will be removed from office. It is possible the people will not allow this to occur here in America. It is likely, dear Party members, that you have marked yourselves by your own actions. Believe yourselves to be untouchable.
It changes nothing, because we are coming for you.
We are coming for you all.
