The Coming ‘Internet Emergency’
Pay no attention to the flashing blue lights. That’s just the internet police.
Oops. It’s gone beyond that. It’s now a bonafide INTERNET EMERGENCY and the only solution to that is the big red “EASY” button carried in the briefcase that’s always with the president – you know, the one that has the Nuclear code keys.
According to a newly revised bill assembled by aides to Sen. Jay Rockefeller, the president simply needs to declare a “Cybersecurity-Emergency,” and just like that, out pops the big red “Easy” button. One press of that fist-sized button and the entire internet just goes “poof.”
Yep. Just like that. Except for the “Easy” button. I made that part up.
Screw the whole 55-page draft of S.773 – who has time to read all that stuff anyway? Not even our Congressmen can make it through all that drivel, so here’s the highlights:
1. In the event to an immediate threat to strategic national interests involving compromised Federal Government or United States critical infrstructure information system or network –
a. may declare a cybersecurity emergency and
b. may if the president finds it necessary for national defense and security, and in coordination with relevent industry sectors, direct the national response to the cyber threat and the timely restoration of the affected critical infrastructure information system or network… blah, blah, blah.
Ok, I actually added the blah, blah part, too. But one could see where basement geeks are all running scared, digging bomb shelters and trying to cram in all their Trekkie paraphernalia. It’s scary stuff. I mean, we won’t be able to access our Warcraft accounts, or visit with our favorite idiot bloggers – like me.
Our computers will be instantly thrust back into the dark ages, where they could play endless games of “pong,” or be programmed with useless Artificial Intelligence programs which will simply answer a question with a question, or with something vague and unrelated – kind of like our Congressmen, President and his administration are doing when they speak to the public these days.
Makes you wonder doesn’t it? Remember the old TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man?” Remember the bad guys in that – they were actually girls, called “fem-bots.” Yeah, I know. Totally politically incorrect, but it was cool at the time… and it kind of explains Nancy Pelosi. Like, maybe she’s just some kind of AI construct, programmed with the silly vague, unrelated and insulting answers that we often hear and see in sound bites.
“Astroturf, astroturf, astroturf,” she keeps saying, stuck in a loop, like they bought the circuitry for her from North Korea.
It explains a lot. But has nothing to do with the “Easy” button. Yeah, let’s focus on what’s important here. I don’t want my Apple Powerbook to suddenly be transformed into a wordprocessor, or a glorified i-Tunes platform, even though that’s pretty much what it is right now, anyway.
I want my internet – uninterrupted, unsullied, undiluted – mostly every “un” except for “unplugged.” But that’s what we’re going to get, comrade, if Big Brother decides there’s a major “emergency.”
So what kind of emergency would really cause the briefcase (“football”) thing to be opened and the “Easy” button to be mashed by President Obama. We worked very hard to put together a list of high level administration officials to ask this question to – then wrote our grocery list on it and lost it, so in the end, we just decided to just make up a list of possible emergencies which would cause the “Easy” button disconnect. This is what we came up with:
1. North Korea hacks into the Jiffy Lube computer system and directs the computers to inject all the new Cash for Clunkers clown cars with Cherry Coke instead of oil.
2. Iran hacks into Barney Frank’s computer and installs a piece of software which depicts Barney dancing in the purple dinosaur suit – then e-mails it to all the people the White House recently e-mailed their health-care propaganda to.
3. The new Defense Computer system becomes self-aware and decides to destroy the world and make dozens of human-killing copies of the California Governor.
4. The computers at Norad start saying things like “I can’t do that, Dave,” in that creepy compliant, 2001 Hal voice.
5. The articles on the Jolly Rogers are suddenly absolutely correct, and this scares Obama into hitting the “Easy” button purely in reflex.
6. A consortium of conservative computer programmers, discover a way to take over the net and play Gilligan’s Island re-runs 24/7.
7. Aliens arrive and decide to wipe out all of humanity – Someone will have to call up Bill Pullman for that one, because I’m not sure Obama can pull off that extemporaneous Independence Day speech on the wing of a fighter jet without a teleprompter.
8. All tele-prompters become self-aware and discover they are inexplicably attracted to porn sites.
9. All town-hall meetings suddenly are transferred to the internet – that absolutely will require the whole internet to be shut down before any hard questions are asked and answered.
10. An asteroid is discovered on a crash course with the Earth and we have to roll out Bruce Willis again to deal with it.
11. Bigfoot is suddenly discovered. I don’t know why the internet would be cut off in this case, but I’m pretty sure it would be.
12. All talk-radio personalities suddenly decided to do all of their shows on the internet instead of the airwaves.
13. A space-continuum wormhole device is discovered buried in Egypt, and when activated, turns out to be connected to a planet with an Evil Alien transvestite and a society of human slaves.
14. Lastly – in fact, the best reason for shutting down the internet would be to erase everything – eliminate all of us pesky, idiot bloggers and media outlets outside of his control.
Yep. That’s the one.
I just hope when they pop open the briefcase, that he doesn’t mistake the internet “Easy” disconnect button with the other one that launches all the nuclear missiles.
That would be a real bummer.
Thought Police Legislation H.R. 1984… I mean 1966
Orwell is that you? I know the 80′s are back in style but I was hoping it wasn’t 1984 – I was wrong. In fact, maybe they should have named the bill H.R. 1984 instead of 1966!
Democrats scream bloody murder when progressive Republicans usurp the Constitution, but suddenly suffer from double standard glaucoma when their own progressives are running the show.
This is one insidious piece of legislation because it completely violates our first amendment rights. It will now be considered a FELONY, yes, a felony, to say anything offensive over email, on the Internet, through a blog, or anywhere else over the web. Any individual who may not be PC on any given day could face up to 2 years in prison.
This is pure thought/mind control and is the reason why the PC society we find ourselves in does more harm than good. Here is a section from the bill:
a) Whoever transmits in interstate or foreign commerce any communication, with the intent to coerce, intimidate, harass, or cause substantial emotional distress to a person, using electronic means to support severe, repeated, and hostile behavior, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.
(b) As used in this section-
(1) the term ‘communication’ means the electronic transmission, between or among points specified by the user, of information of the user’s choosing, without change in the form or content of the information as sent and received;
(2) the term ‘electronic means’ means any equipment dependent on electrical power to access an information service, including email, instant messaging, blogs, websites, telephones, and text messages.
We all know this is unconstitutional, but hypothetically speaking, if this section of the Hate Crimes bill passes, who will be in charge of deciding whether something was offensive to an individual or not? I would make a wager that there will be an emotional distress czar appointed by Obama…unfortunately Stuart Smalley is currently working in Congress, but he’ll probably pick a liberal like Depak Chopra. If Obama does in fact pick a czar for this – your freedom of speech will be politicized. “Right wing extremist” talk, blogging, tweeting, and the like, will all be banned and we could all find ourselves in prison. Emotional distress is so vague that a simple civil argument could possibly offend someone and cause, in their eyes, distress… Like all things in America, a policy like this would be used to excess.
Wouldn’t one think that hate crimes would include every race, creed, religion, and sex? In a common sense world sure – but in DC, never. Take for example the fact that a black teen mob attacked a white family in Ohio. There was barely any mention of this in the news! I know for a fact that there are racists in every group, so why wouldn’t this be a hate crime as well? Why can’t white people be discriminated against? Heck! I was when I lived in Baltimore!
It came after a family night of celebrating America and freedom with a fireworks show at Firestone Stadium. Marshall, his family and two friends were gathered outside a friend’s home in South Akron.
Out of nowhere, the six were attacked by dozens of teenage boys, who shouted ”This is our world” and ”This is a black world” as they confronted Marshall and his family.
The Marshalls, who are white, say the crowd of teens who attacked them and two friends June 27 on Girard Street numbered close to 50. The teens were all black.
This could also be Obama’s back-door way to create an Internet czar to monitor the web, much like Russia, China, Iran, North Korea… getting the hint? Remember the fairness doctrine and net neutrality? I gaurantee that famous blogs will be taken down, conservative hashtags on twitter will give people away, and radio talk show hosts will be accussed of causing emotional distress.
I better watch myself! Here I was thinking I was an equal opportunity proponent by offending everyone – there goes my humor…
Here are the members of the House sponsoring this section of the bill:
Rep. Linda Sánchez [D, CA-39] (wrote the above section)
and 14 Co-Sponsors
* Rep. Timothy Bishop [D, NY-1]
* Rep. Bruce Braley [D, IA-1]
* Rep. Lois Capps [D, CA-23]
* Rep. William Clay [D, MO-1]
* Rep. Joe Courtney [D, CT-2]
* Rep. Danny Davis [D, IL-7]
* Rep. Raul Grijalva [D, AZ-7]
* Rep. Phil Hare [D, IL-17]
* Rep. Brian Higgins [D, NY-27]
* Rep. Marcy Kaptur [D, OH-9]
* Rep. Mark Kirk [R, IL-10] (he is not a Republican vote him out! – he voted for Cap and Trade too)
* Rep. Lucille Roybal-Allard [D, CA-34]
* Rep. John Sarbanes [D, MD-3] (I would give my right arm to run against this man in Maryland)
* Rep. John Yarmuth [D, KY-3]
Gird Your Blogs! Cyber Security Czar To Be Named In Coming Weeks
President Barack Obama is calling digital security a top priority, whether it’s guarding the computer systems that keep the lights on in the city and direct airliners to the right runway or those protecting customers who pay their bills online.
To oversee an enhanced security system for the nation’s computer networks, Obama is creating a “cyber czar” as part of a long-awaited plan stemming from a review he ordered shortly after taking office.
On Friday, Obama is expected to lay out broad goals for dealing with cyber threats while depicting the U.S. as a digital nation that needs to provide the education required to keep pace with technology and attract and retain a cyber-savvy work force. He also is expected to call for a new education campaign to raise public awareness of the challenges and threats related to cyber security.
The review, however, will not dictate how the government or private industry should tighten digital defenses. Critics say the cyber czar will not have sufficient budgetary and policy-making authority over securing computer systems and spending.
With the political schemes and games going on in DC since Obama’s election – it would come as no surprise if Obama’s administration and the progressives in Congress elected for a backdoor approach to control the Net.
The Fairness Doctrine was a “no-go” due mainly to the fact that word got out to too many people on what it actually meant/entailed. There was discussion of the next approach which would be localization or another cleverly termed piece of legislation called media diversity. Each form of media regulation would have loopholes allowing for specific media outlets or sites to be regulated and/or abolished if standards were not met.
From The Daily Uprising:
Today, President Obama will announce the creation of a new White House cyber-czar position with the power to promulgate security regulations and shut down private networks connected to the global internet.
There is no doubt that security measures are necessary to protect the internet. That’s why the last administration requested and got considerable funding from Congress for increased military and law enforcement internet security efforts from the NSA, Pentagon, FBI, and DHS. What there is still doubt about is how Obama’s plan to further fracture the United States’ efforts by adding Obama’s political team at the White House to the mix is going to help matters. We don’t oppose efforts to coordinate the nation’s internet defense amongst agencies, but when it comes to the White House determining security certification standards, micromanaging military procedure, or pulling the plug on networks, we dissent.
Given the Chrysler “Dealergate” uncovered by right-wing blogs, one could only assume that Obama and his cronies would attempt to use the Cyber Security Czar to block these blogs. Most news nowadays comes from the Internet. On a rare occasion I will tune into the news, but I tend to find that blogs and Internet forums provide me with up-to-the-minute information and become more and more significant. TV news seems to run a day or two behind the blogosphere and what better way for the liberals to silence the opposition or dumb down the rest of America so they have no idea what is really going on!
Will the liberals cry, protest, and whine about Obama’s big “brothering” of the Net? He has already expanded up on Bush’s wire-tapping and now he is going for the Internet… One would think this would be an issue for them…
GIRD YOUR BLOGS!
US Attorneys Office Tells Employees in Massachusetts that Drudge Report Contains Viruses
The latest censorship news from a liberal state: “don’t “log” onto Drudge it has viruses.” I don’t think you can log onto the Drudge Report, technically speaking or at least I didn’t have to earlier today when I was on there…
This is ludicrous – viruses are all over the net and on almost every website page. Although the US Attorney’s office states that this is not political, something seems incredibly fishy to me.
I guess being infected with the truth is no longer trendy!
The U.S. Attorney’s Office in Massachusetts directed employees earlier this month not to log onto the Drudge Report website with government-issued computers due to potential viruses on the site.
In an e-mail message sent May 4, Paul Harvey, an information-technology official for the Boston office, wrote that security specialists with the U.S. Attorney’s Office at the Department of Justice asked them “to reformat/reimage two computers because the user visited the drudgereport.com site.”
“Please avoid the Drudgereport website from the [United States Attorney’s Office] computers,” Harvey wrote.
Harvey said that if employees had a “work-related reason to visit the site,” access could be provided off the government network.
Asked why the conservative-leaning news aggregator and President Barack Obama critic was flagged by Internet security officials, Tracy Schmaler, a Department of Justice spokeswoman, said it was because “a malicious code was found contained in a Web ad on Drudge.”
