The Coming ‘Internet Emergency’
Pay no attention to the flashing blue lights. That’s just the internet police.
Oops. It’s gone beyond that. It’s now a bonafide INTERNET EMERGENCY and the only solution to that is the big red “EASY” button carried in the briefcase that’s always with the president – you know, the one that has the Nuclear code keys.
According to a newly revised bill assembled by aides to Sen. Jay Rockefeller, the president simply needs to declare a “Cybersecurity-Emergency,” and just like that, out pops the big red “Easy” button. One press of that fist-sized button and the entire internet just goes “poof.”
Yep. Just like that. Except for the “Easy” button. I made that part up.
Screw the whole 55-page draft of S.773 – who has time to read all that stuff anyway? Not even our Congressmen can make it through all that drivel, so here’s the highlights:
1. In the event to an immediate threat to strategic national interests involving compromised Federal Government or United States critical infrstructure information system or network –
a. may declare a cybersecurity emergency and
b. may if the president finds it necessary for national defense and security, and in coordination with relevent industry sectors, direct the national response to the cyber threat and the timely restoration of the affected critical infrastructure information system or network… blah, blah, blah.
Ok, I actually added the blah, blah part, too. But one could see where basement geeks are all running scared, digging bomb shelters and trying to cram in all their Trekkie paraphernalia. It’s scary stuff. I mean, we won’t be able to access our Warcraft accounts, or visit with our favorite idiot bloggers – like me.
Our computers will be instantly thrust back into the dark ages, where they could play endless games of “pong,” or be programmed with useless Artificial Intelligence programs which will simply answer a question with a question, or with something vague and unrelated – kind of like our Congressmen, President and his administration are doing when they speak to the public these days.
Makes you wonder doesn’t it? Remember the old TV show “The Six Million Dollar Man?” Remember the bad guys in that – they were actually girls, called “fem-bots.” Yeah, I know. Totally politically incorrect, but it was cool at the time… and it kind of explains Nancy Pelosi. Like, maybe she’s just some kind of AI construct, programmed with the silly vague, unrelated and insulting answers that we often hear and see in sound bites.
“Astroturf, astroturf, astroturf,” she keeps saying, stuck in a loop, like they bought the circuitry for her from North Korea.
It explains a lot. But has nothing to do with the “Easy” button. Yeah, let’s focus on what’s important here. I don’t want my Apple Powerbook to suddenly be transformed into a wordprocessor, or a glorified i-Tunes platform, even though that’s pretty much what it is right now, anyway.
I want my internet – uninterrupted, unsullied, undiluted – mostly every “un” except for “unplugged.” But that’s what we’re going to get, comrade, if Big Brother decides there’s a major “emergency.”
So what kind of emergency would really cause the briefcase (“football”) thing to be opened and the “Easy” button to be mashed by President Obama. We worked very hard to put together a list of high level administration officials to ask this question to – then wrote our grocery list on it and lost it, so in the end, we just decided to just make up a list of possible emergencies which would cause the “Easy” button disconnect. This is what we came up with:
1. North Korea hacks into the Jiffy Lube computer system and directs the computers to inject all the new Cash for Clunkers clown cars with Cherry Coke instead of oil.
2. Iran hacks into Barney Frank’s computer and installs a piece of software which depicts Barney dancing in the purple dinosaur suit – then e-mails it to all the people the White House recently e-mailed their health-care propaganda to.
3. The new Defense Computer system becomes self-aware and decides to destroy the world and make dozens of human-killing copies of the California Governor.
4. The computers at Norad start saying things like “I can’t do that, Dave,” in that creepy compliant, 2001 Hal voice.
5. The articles on the Jolly Rogers are suddenly absolutely correct, and this scares Obama into hitting the “Easy” button purely in reflex.
6. A consortium of conservative computer programmers, discover a way to take over the net and play Gilligan’s Island re-runs 24/7.
7. Aliens arrive and decide to wipe out all of humanity – Someone will have to call up Bill Pullman for that one, because I’m not sure Obama can pull off that extemporaneous Independence Day speech on the wing of a fighter jet without a teleprompter.
8. All tele-prompters become self-aware and discover they are inexplicably attracted to porn sites.
9. All town-hall meetings suddenly are transferred to the internet – that absolutely will require the whole internet to be shut down before any hard questions are asked and answered.
10. An asteroid is discovered on a crash course with the Earth and we have to roll out Bruce Willis again to deal with it.
11. Bigfoot is suddenly discovered. I don’t know why the internet would be cut off in this case, but I’m pretty sure it would be.
12. All talk-radio personalities suddenly decided to do all of their shows on the internet instead of the airwaves.
13. A space-continuum wormhole device is discovered buried in Egypt, and when activated, turns out to be connected to a planet with an Evil Alien transvestite and a society of human slaves.
14. Lastly – in fact, the best reason for shutting down the internet would be to erase everything – eliminate all of us pesky, idiot bloggers and media outlets outside of his control.
Yep. That’s the one.
I just hope when they pop open the briefcase, that he doesn’t mistake the internet “Easy” disconnect button with the other one that launches all the nuclear missiles.
That would be a real bummer.
President Clinton to the Rescue!!!
First of all, I am exceedingly grateful for the release of our two American journalists who have been held by the North Korean authorities. There are two very happy Immigrant-American Families today and that is a joy worth celebrating.
But then there’s the politics:
This visit of a former President is a very dangerous display of legitimacy to the North Korean regime. Remember they are in desperate need of fresh propaganda at a time when they are flexing their nuclear muscles.
The timing couldn’t be worse: A few short months after a round of nuclear weapons tests by the North Koreans, America responds by apologizing (seems to be a trend) and begging for the release of prisoners. When did we become such pansies? When did we as a country decide that we owed anyone an apology for being the most generous and wealth-producing country the world has ever known? Now release those prisoners!!!
But all that is really of little consequence. North Korea has been playing these games for decades. They have their ups and downs, flex their muscles and get some desperately needed economic aid from a former President (remember Carter) who agrees to some shit we will never know about but which our children are on-the-hook for. The economic stimulus will shut them up temporarily while they plan their next big power play.
No, what bothers me the most is the double speak we get from the White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. The efforts to downplay the significance of this event are astounding. Obama can’t afford to be seen as weak on foreign policy therefore he has avoided this issue for months. Biden is now no where to be seen or heard of except for the occasional gaff-truth. But alas, Obama has the political cover to deal with the situation without being personally involved. Mr. President you have received a gift, and it’s not even your Birthday!
Did he approve this trip and the preceding negotiations? I think so, and here is way. Obama can’t have direct talks with N. Korea for foreign policy reasons. Having the Secretary of State’s husband and Ex-President extend-an-olive-branch gives Obama significant political cover. If things get ugly he can always through the Clintons under-the-bus. Something he’s wanted to do since the early days of the campaign.
Ask yourself this, is there anyway that a former President went halfway around the world to meet with the leader of a rogue nation without the knowledge of our security forces? No.
Further, don’t you think the Sitting-President would be made aware of such a trip out of professional courtesy? I’m thinking yes. If not, he should be pissed!!! I would be…
Call The WAAAAAAmbulance Obama Hates Dissent
Obama is simply unable to handle honest criticism or peaceful dissent that happens to question his agenda. Fox News is the only media network that consistently stands up to Obama. It has been the fairest outlet both during and since the election. In no way, shape, or form, should media be in the pocket of a politician or “part of his/her team” – that is just alarming. It’s disingenuous for Obama to even attempt to justify the slobbering of the press corps and the national media. He has not been held accountable, nor has he been asked questions that weren’t already pre-screened, pre-selected, and angled in such a way to be a bunch of softballs.
I have been taught that EGO = Easing God Out and for Obama, he is God. A man who is unable to humble himself has a lot of issues.
The Palin Effect Hits New York?
Sarah Palin is unlike any politician we have seen for a very long time, if ever. She is a people’s politician and believes in middle America, more than the powers that be. She is a self-made woman who owes nobody, except God and family, for where she is today. So many Americans are drawn to her solely due to her genuineness and her bond with working Americans. She doesn’t speak using erudite and urbane words, fancy rhetoric that contains no substance – no, she just speaks in a simple fashion, right to the heart of America.
The Pittsburgh Post Gazette writes:
President Barack Obama is, by far, the most popular politician in America. And there is little doubt who is No. 2.
[...]
That many liberals found Mr. Letterman’s remarks humorous speaks not only to their depravity, but to their fear. The 20,000 who turned out to see Ms. Palin in Auburn testify to the fact that she strikes a responsive chord with ordinary people no other Republican does.
Liberals and some Beltway conservatives assert Ms. Palin is stupid. She frequently is misquoted — most recently by Dan Balz in The Washington Post Wednesday — to make her appear so.
But I’d say she got the better of it in her exchange with David Letterman. And her brief walk across the stage at the GOP dinner Monday drew more attention than Mr. Gingrich’s stem-winding speech. For someone who, according to the Washington cognoscenti, doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s doing pretty well.
I don’t think Sarah Palin has decided whether she’d like to live in the White House. But if she does, ignoring the conventional wisdom in Washington may be the best way to get there.
Palin drew a crowd of over 20,000 people in Auburn, a small democratic town, in New York. I do not recall any other “failed” vice presidential candidate still receiving this much attention and still shown this much support from regular folks.
Upon her departure to Washington, D.C., Monday, two New York senate Democrats filibustered with the Republicans, and switched sides. Of course you cannot tie the event directly to Sarah Palin, but the move after her visit, is definitely considerable. She was also ridiculed by David Letterman for her visit to New York, which even included a fund-raising event for an Autism Walk. Liberals seem to do all that they can to destroy this woman and use the most vile, despicable, and non-substantive attacks against her.
Letterman’s sexist, misogynistic remarks against Governor Palin and her daughter(s) were heard around the world. A New York lawmaker has called on Letterman to step down. It’s incredible, that of all places, New York is standing up for the Governor.
She has set off a loyal army of support around the nation and a petition has been created to fire David Letterman, as well as a campaign to write to the CBS/David Letterman sponsors to cease their sponsorship or be boycotted by former consumers. It will be interesting how this all breaks down.
And on a final note, Sarah Palin must be doing something right, hell even froze over, NOW, the National Organization for Women (or as I like to refer to them as, the Nauseating Obama Women), who have never so much as batted an eye when sexist remarks or unfounded attacks have been made against conservative women, have officially come out in support of Palin and have put Letterman into their Hall of Shame. I’m flabbergasted!
